


Just a Note

by Torister



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Dan Howell X Reader - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom
Genre: Dan Howell - Freeform, Dan Howell X Reader - Freeform, Death, Sorry I jumped, Suicide, The last thing I will write, danisnotonfire - Freeform, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:38:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6112489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torister/pseuds/Torister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't want you to worry, but before he jumped he had to write this for you. He loved you, but what happened had to be done. </p>
<p>Based on the song My Heart I Surrender, by I Prevail</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just a Note

My Heart I will Surrender  


**I'm a ghost in your eyes. A shadow you can't seem to recognize.**  


I thought you would notice all the times I failed to leave my room, and even not eat for several days. But you didn’t notice at all, you were too caught up in the world around you to notice that your best friend and person you loved was slipping into a dark hole that I would not be able to get out of alone. You never questioned out loud when my sleeves got longer even when the weather got warmer.  


But that didn’t really matter, now did it. I wanted you to ask questions and be there for me, but I wasn’t going to come out and ask you. That was not me and you know it. 

There was one day you came close to figuring something out. We were snuggling in bed and you were rubbing my arms as I flinched.  


“What was that?” Your voice was soft and concerned. “Why did you flinch?”  


I couldn’t look at you as I lied to your face. Maybe I didn’t want you to know what was going on in my dark head. “It’s nothing, just don’t worry about it.” I looked up at you for a moment and tried to smile the best that I could. I decided I didn’t want you to worry, and if you knew that is all you would do.  


**I have a thought of you for every, star in the sky.**  


At this point we would have been dating for 5 years and I thought of you as my everything. I even planned the wedding that we never got around to, well the wedding that I never got to. You were my entire world, and I wanted nothing more than to spend it with you. You were the reason I laughed and smiled like I did, because without you I would have been gone sooner. Not that I want you to put any of this on yourself, which you shouldn’t. None of what happened was your fault, but again none of that matters now.  


**But I'm scared, I'll never cross your mind. Yeah, I'm scared.**  


Even as I write this, I am scared that I’ll never cross your mind. That something will happen and you will never think about me again. I mean, I wouldn’t blame if you didn’t. I am sure that by the end of this you will have moved on. You will have found someone that could give you everything that you ever wanted, and would never hurt you like I did or am. You always did deserve more than me.  


I want to see you happy, and if that is you being with someone else then don’t worry about me. I will smile and move on, just like you. All I want is to see you happy. After you read this, you are going to need someone to make you smile.  


**Will our stars ever align? Will two hearts, beat in time?**  


I wanted to be able to tell you what was going on, but now as I write this it is too late. There is something sweet about knowing you were the last person I reached out to before I left. I know I didn’t reach the way that you would have liked, but I also didn’t want to be saved. There was something bitter about being saved. Being watched and pitied for the rest of your short life, but again none of that matters now.  


You did what you could, and so did I. I am not going to say goodbye until the clock strikes 4.  


**These words you should always remember, To you, my heart I surrender.**  


I will always love you. I will always love the way you walk when you are nervous, and trying to pass off that you were fine. I will love the way that you made me laugh when I was angry, not that you ever let me be angry for very long.  


I still remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. You were standing in the middle of the room like you owned it but right away I could tell that was the last place you wanted to be. You didn’t notice me that day, but I sure noticed you. There was something about you that interested me and I wanted to know more. Needed to know more.  


I remember our first date, one of my favorite days. We didn’t know it was a date until much later and we were both so nervous. We walked and talked for hours and just spent time together. There was no need to spend money but we just wanted to be together. There was no need to be fancy and that was one of the things that I always loved about you. You were so simple and didn’t need the flashy things even if I thought you did.  


**Chasing love that can never be mine.**  


But I knew from the beginning that I could never love you the way you needed to be loved. You always thought I could, but I didn’t think I was good enough for that. Which now, looking back, I know that I wasn’t. You need someone that would never hurt you, and as I fell from that bridge I knew that was the one thing that I could do that would make you turn away from me.  


It’s not like I was planning this for a very long time, but in the end I didn’t want you to be involved. For weeks before that I pulled away. Not because I loved you less, but I knew that if I wasn’t as close to you my jump wouldn’t hurt as bad.  


**Maybe one day you'll realize. These words you should always remember, To you, my heart I surrender.**  


One day, a couple months before I decided it was time was when you started to realize what was going on. You started leaving things on my side of the bed. Little things like, hey I love you and you should never forget that. That little note was the last one and the first one that I got and when I read it, I broke. I knew that you loved me, but I couldn’t love you anymore. You wanted me to love myself, but that also hasn’t happened in a very long time. I don’t know how to love, it is a foreign concept to me now. But I need to do this, and maybe find what is on the other side.  


I love you forever and always, but this is the end of me. Of us. At 4am I am going to jump and by the time you read this I will already be gone. I know that is not fair, but don’t even try to run out of the house and save me. I am sorry. And maybe one day you will forgive me.  


~Love Myself  


P.S. Hey I love you and you should never forget that.  


**And I can't count the times. I stayed awake pretending you were mine. Now I'm left here with this emptiness inside, Why can't I make you mine?**  


You look up from the piece of wrinkled paper as the tears stream down your face. You should have seen this coming, and even though I said not worry about it that it wasn’t your fault, that was the first thing you thought. It was 3:59am and you figured that it was too late, that even if you would run as fast as you could it would be done.  


Slowly you pull out your phone, still numb to what happened in the first place. You found my contact and sent the message, Come home please. I think we need to talk. My phone buzzed from the bottom of the lake just moments before it would be shut off forever. I would never get your text, or anyones for that matter. The last thing that that I would hear from anyone would be from you. You told me to have a good day, which I didn’t. But you tried.  
You are angry. Angry that I would do that, that I wouldn’t try and talk to someone. Angry that you did nothing to save me, but really there was nothing that you could have done. It was my time, and I know you will not accept that. I did and you should too. 

Until we meet again.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah... that happened. Sorry guys.


End file.
